Fabulouser and fabulouserrrrrr

Really, you've got to be effing kidding me.

Forty-five minutes to leave my neighborhood this morning.

Forty-five minutes to go less than half a mile, because a traffic signal was out.

And that was just the start of the day.


Let me just say that when the underwire in my bra gave out... that was the high point. I'm walking down the hall and all of the sudden it's like I had a flat tire on the driver's side. Only it wasn't a tire. And thanks to my curves, it wasn't flat so much as off it's axle, out of alignment, in need of rotation and balance, or whatever freaking euphemism you want to apply.

So then I was effing lopsided the remainder of the day.

And I really liked that bra, too. We've had a short relationship with each other, but I thought it was a good one. Apparently it disagreed. Bastard.


Have you ever had to walk around the office lopsided, when you're trying to get up the cojones to fire someone? I mean sure I'm dead to rights to fire this guy because sexual harassment is NEVER tolerated, whether it's male on female, female on male, female on female or male on male. NEVER. But being lopsided pretty much dampened my tyrannical, mamma bear fervor for dealing with the issue immediately. Plus I had to wait until the company lawyers had signed off on it all.

Meanwhile I'm reading the reports about the events as they unfolded, and they involved an overly excitable gay male, who thinks he's a dainty little buttercup of a person, instead of the huge, lumbering bull in a china shop that he is... and some typical, average high school jocks. HIGH school. As in not yet of the age of majority, according to the great state of Texas. Buttercup the Bull decided they'd be sooooooooo much funnnnnnnnn to demonstrate lifeguarding skills with.... and he was wrong. Well, sure, they probably WERE fun, because they're fit and he's fat. They're young and he's not. They're students and he's the instructo.....

BASTARD!

No one, NO ONE, EVERRRRRRRRRRRR gets to make a student feel uncomfortable. Even if the student didn't KNOW what Buttercup the Bull was doing was inappropriate, the other lifeguard instructors DID know, and they lit my phone up like Christmas, the Fourth of July and New Year's Eve combined.


So there I am all lopsided and pissed off, waiting for my boss to get in to the office so we can call the lawyers and get on with the show. I'd had a payroll check cut and everything. Just needed the big boss so I could take care of the little weasel.

Big boss made to the office today at 4 pm.

Bastard.


And then when I'm dealing with all this, my cell phone rings. It's my mom. She's calling to let me know it's raining, and I should look at the weather before I leave the office.


I appreciated the heads' up, but at the same time, the message started out with "I know you're at work and I hate to bother you but this is your mother and father calling...."

Uhm, WHAT?!

Yes, we are having some monstrous, disastrous rain.

Something like 20 inches of rain in the past week and a half.

Yes, I hate driving in the rain.

But really - a phone call that started me off thinking that someone had been in a car accident, or Dad had had another heart attack? That was so not a good way to try and wrap up the day.

I had plenty of time to mull it over, too, as I had another hour and half commute. I spent 3 hours in the car today - wheeeeeeeeeeee!


I think I'll call in drunk soon. Take the day off, hide from everyone and go to the movies for 12 hours. Move to Antigua. Or volunteer to help out with the swine flu epidemic in Mexico City.

Because I really just need y'all to give me some breathing room so I don't turn into the screaming, raving bitch that I am every five seconds. (And just for the record, I don't know what that granola bar is doing in the pantry - perhaps Elvis left it when he visited with his spaceship. Also, I appreciate the offer but it seems like I'm back in kindergarten if my Mommy is packing my lunch, so I'll skip that all the same.)