Ways to tick me off

Okay, so if you haven't figured it out, there are about a million ways to tick me off. We've covered some of them here already, and I never look back, so you're on your own if you missed the lesson already. Next lesson up on deck is voice mail.

Voice mail, according to the gurus at wikipedia.org (donate money, they're worth it for the number of bar bets they solve) was invented by both IBM and Xerox when I was 2 years old. I'm 35, people, so we're not talking about new technology. Not even close to new. And sure, people started out with earlier versions of message machines, where they'd leave torturous family greetings like, "Hi, You've reached the Obama's - Barack, Michelle, Shasha, Malia and Bo (someone tries to get the dog to bark here) can't come to the phone right now, so leave a message and we'll call you back!" And then finally the dog barks. You remember those. Sure, you haven't heard THAT greeting, but you remember that answering machine. Where the longer the beep was, the more messages were already on the tape.

So now, we're modern. We're high tech. Everyone has voice mail on their cell phones. And if they don't have it there, for sure they have an answering machine at home. Because we're all so damned important that we MUST be reachable, twenty four hours a day, in mediums other than the internet spam we get. (No, thank you for the offer, but I do not need any medication for my erectile dysfunction as I do not have a penis to W*O*W her with.)

We get our new phone and we set up our cool ring back tones (HATEEEEEEEEEEEE) and our custom ringtones for each of our callers. Generic ringtones aren't enough. Nope, we have to download that crap from the wireless carrier du jour at some insane rate that never really seems like a problem... if you stop at one ringtone. But no one ever stops at one. Just ask the guys over at Frito Lay who are shipping those potato chips like they are going out of style. Betcha can't eat just one. It's the same with the ring tones.

So you get this phone, and you customize it. And you leave a near incomprehensible message for the caller because you just can't make it to the phone at that particular minute. For instance, "hey yo this is B I can't get you now so hit me back wit some'in an' I'll get wit you." I believe that translates into, "hello, caller, this is Barack and I can't take your call right now. Please leave your number and a message and I will return your call as quickly as possible." Mind you there is some incredibly loud, annoying music track playing in the room, too, or sports center, blasting away while the telephone owner leaves said greeting, which makes it all the harder to translate to comprehensible language.

All that is annoying as hell. But that's not what ticks me off!

Be quiet. You know I make a long story long, and if you didn't like it, you'd have deleted the email by now.

What ticks me off is this:

I call you. I get your greeting. I wait for the beep and I leave you a thorough and complete message, thus negating the need for you to call me back. And you, you stupid idiot, decide that you should have actually answered that telephone call who's number you didn't instantly recognize on your caller ID... and you call me back.

Don't do that!

Don't call me back instantly. Unless you know me personally and know me well, don't call me back. Just check your damned voice mail. Because the next time I call 197 kids in 1 day to remind them of their lifeguard training, and they choose to call me back to find out what I wanted... I'm going to tell them to check their voice mail. And then I'm going to hang up on them.

Seriously. What's the point of having voice mail if you aren't going to bother to listen to the message.

"I saw you called. What's up?"

"Did you listen to your voice mail?"

"Nahhh, I haven't bothered to check that."

That, right there... that's where I'm hanging up on you.

I understand your time is precious. So is mine. That's why I left you a voice mail. To cut down on me calling and calling and calling until I got you on the phone, I instead chose to take advantage of the technology you presented to me for my use, and I left you a message. Because I do NOT have time to talk to 197 voice mail systems, and then talk to 197 people live, when they decide to call me back instead of listening to their message.

I mean hell, I even use my announcer voice when I leave these messages, so they're entertaining and informative, all at the same time.

Technology... use it, don't abuse it





....disclaimer.... Story Hour is in no way endorsed or read by President Obama or his family, but I sat in traffic for 2 hours and moved 4 miles, so I'm really freaking tired and stressed out, so I couldn't come up with another family who I could actually remember all their names. At least I'm politically aware, right? Right?